If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize