She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
