No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
