No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
