I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
