I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
