The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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