If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
