i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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