I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
