You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize