that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize