Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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