I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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