Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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