I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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