Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
