I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
