I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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