I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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