So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
