i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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