her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
