shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
