I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
