i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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