I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my being single is dangerous.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
