I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
