This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
