He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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