Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
