new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
