So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
