How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
