Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
