how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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