He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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