just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
FUCK WHALES
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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