I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
