Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
