i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize