If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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