And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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