my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found a bag of teeth...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
