I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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