She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
