Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
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