Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
