When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
