I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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