When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
