If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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