dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize