there's paper in my vomit.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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