yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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