Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Randomize
